I Called Bullshit on the System!
If you attend to yourself and seek to come into your presence, you will find exactly the right rhythm for your own life.
John O’Donohue ~ Anam Cara
From my last blog post, Only One Winner, many friends made kind comments to me. They affirmed their affection for me and cheered me on to continuing being myself. All very sweet and loving. But somehow these comments made me question whether their love for me is attached to our past shared experiences and beliefs, or is it because they love me just as I am.
Will you love me only because we ran in the same circles of church? Will you hold affection in your heart toward me because you still think we believe the same things in regards to God? What if I told you that I don’t believe the Bible is the infallible word of God? Or that I listen and gain truth from audio cd’s about energy anatomy?
The deeper I venture into being mindful about every aspect of life, the further I move away from the dogma I lived by. When I look back on those years, I was a closed-minded person consumed by fear, like our blood vessels are consumed by blood. It’s paradoxical to me that I spent so many years soaking up christian teachings and secluding myself to christian groups, consistently feeling out-of-place, only to experience brief moments of truly being free.
A considerable amount of fear resided around not letting anything taint me that wasn’t christian based. I mean, from the pulpit a perpetual stream of authoritative statements flowed to instruct the congregation on what they should be doing to live the superior life of a christian. It didn’t always come across as do’s and don’ts, like how you’d train a toddler, but there was just enough shame and fear laced in to leave me feeling like I wasn’t doing enough to be the best christian.
I chose 6 years ago, to call bullshit on this system! A system that in theory was supposed to set me free, when in reality, it enslaved me to fear. I walked away and didn’t look back. I chose to follow my gut. And it was the right move. Slowly over the last 5 years, I have dismantled this system that I followed and in the midst of this, have found a life being shed of fear. A life of discovering truth as it resides deep in me. A life rhythm that finally makes me comfortable in my skin.