Awake With Thoughts

I didn’t sleep very soundly last night. Our bed gets warm and it’s too soft for me. But I also feel like I’m just not taking care of myself and this is affecting my sleep. It is so sweet to be home with my wife and Prince Loki.

We made a light salad and sat down together. We listened to Fresh Air. Terry Gross was interviewing the creator and writer of Soul, the 2021 Oscar winner of Best Animated Feature Film. I had listened to this interview on my drive home last week and I wanted my wife to hear it. I thought she would find movies more interesting if she could hear the behind the scenes of how they develop a story. It’s a moving story.

I was awake a lot of the night. I was uncomfortable, but also my mind was quite active with some deeper or more clear thoughts on my “plumline” to the Divine concept. I had a picture about AA or NA members. They work really hard to keep clean. They go to meetings, they practice the steps. They call fellow members or their sponsor if they are wanting a drink or drug. They have an entire life plan laid out for them to follow just to avoid using. Sounds exhausting AND what if there is another way?

This idea that got clearer in Sisters, OR on my writing retreat and is still haunting me. Why are we continually reaching outside ourselves to get to our highest self?

Photo by Dorota Dylka on Unsplash

It’s maddening to me that there is or at least for me, there was little education, direction, guidance as a child and adolescent to find my inner plumline to the Divine. In my situation, I do see that Christianity was an attempt to lead us there, but human interpretations fucked that up! And is still fucking that up!

I work so hard in my everyday life to find or stay in my plumline. The inner, highest self – which I believe is already in me. I can tap into it at any moment and I can resist it at any moment.

If I was to learn this voice within me at a young age, would I be enticed to alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, etc. in excessive ways? If I listened to this voice as a child, would I have given my life over to a group of people and let them decide or heavily influence my decisions and ultimately my psyche?

When I am listening to this voice inside, this voice of Jill’s highest self which is collectively the Universe as a whole, I feel the most alive. My physical body feels good, my mental health is balanced, my relationships are growing, and my heart is leading.

I am there so less often that I want to be. I have more comfort and familiarity listening and following to my first self, my earth-influenced self. I reach for alcohol, or smokes or even packaged food to fulfill something or relieve something that can ONLY be relieved by listening and following my plumline, THE GREAT DIVINE.

I intuitively know that meditation and quieting myself on a daily basis is a huge key. AND over my lifetime, I resonate with what makes me stay in that direct connection with the Divine. Being outside and giving my body exercise, writing, putting in my belly what is nourishing, and cultivating deep friendships. I may miss the mark sometimes, but I will never give up to stay in this place. I am no different than my fellow beautiful humans who have given themselves to AA or NA, to approach life in a way that acknowledges their shortcomings and has a plan in place to get back up and on track.

If we all knew the Divine within ourselves, we would stop searching outside ourselves to find ourselves.