trek of truth
My mind is a neighborhood I try not to go into alone.
Anne Lamott
By the way, she will be coming to Seattle First Baptist Church and speaking about her new book. Even though the event is sold out, you can still pick her book up here – Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of GraceDo you ever just need to vent? And not just to yourself, but to a friend. As I was having one of those nights, I mentally went through the small Rolodex of friends I feel safe to vent to and ended up texting an old friend.
Because of the subjects on my mind, I knew that I couldn’t vent to just any of my friends because many of them are Christians. The issues I’m processing most likely would make most of my Christian friends cringe and they may panic thinking I need all of their “right” godly answers.
As I finger-tapped some of my thoughts to this friend on my phone, she replied almost immediately with sweet understanding and an open hand. She invited me to call anytime if I needed to talk it through. I put on my jacket and shoes, went outside, lit a cigarette and dialed her phone. We talked for 40 minutes.
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I feel safe talking to her.
She supports me. She encourages me. She tells me of her own experiences. She laughs with me. She is honest with me. She genuinely cares for me. She holds my vulnerability with immense mindfulness.
I feel validated.
We talked about my “crisis of faith” and she shared her stories of feeling the same when she and her husband were going through it 10 years ago. She said that she felt nervous and scared many times in her “searchings”, which were broad in the eyes of the Christians they hung out with, but she had always felt loved by God. She explained that the ironic part is it’s her love and longing to know God that keeps her seeking that which others would judge her for.
Her words felt like a warm bath.
I feel God’s love and presence with me on this journey, but I also feel many people (Christians) in my life will misunderstand me or express their concerns and worries over my processing and questioning. The thing that I keep coming back to is that I’m not questioning whether I believe in God. I’m questioning what I have learned and blindly believed my entire life. I want truth to be mine, not someone else’s passed on to me.
This to me is the only journey to become truly authentic – which is one of my greatest desires.
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For the past 9 months, I have been extricating and clearing the slate of my mind and soul. It has helped greatly that I have not been attending church for over 4 years. I have nothing against the bride of Christ, but the institutions that claim to represent his Church, have not helped me in my walk of faith. They have done more harm than good. I’m not saying I will never be involved in church again, but for now, I am on an offbeat path and it has been vital to my faith.
I am so very grateful for friends that have been a part of this unconventional journey of mine. I have come to understand what true friendship and love is, as I have been vulnerable and have exposed my struggles to those I know are safe for me. True love has revealed itself in these safe relationships receiving me with kindness, acceptance, validation, warmth, laughter and understanding.
I only hope that I can extend true love and authenticity as deeply as I have received from God and others.
Dear Jill,
Thank you for asking the question: What does it mean when a friend validates, accepts and understands your authentic self? It’s left me thinking…for days. The truth of the matter is I don’t think I ever felt completely accepted for being me, as I am – on any given day – just. as. I.am, until I was 45 years of age. i will say that I had the good fortune of being raised with parents who of course loved me unconditionally. However we can easily fall back on thinking, “well their my parents of course THEY love and accept me – they have to, their my parents for God’s sake!” So unfortunately I often discounted that authentic unconditional love. When I accepted Christ at 18 I found unconditional love from God. My heart was awakened to Love and it’s tenderness, like opening a door to the familiar echos of a love and acceptance that I’d somehow always heard deep from within – from where I came – God’s Heart. Home. I also found a level of love and acceptance from my church family. I found a community to grow, to love and be loved in. I learned what I must “do” and “be” in order to be accepted by them. – Mostly these were good, kind hearted people; well meaning and surely just looking out for my best interest.
My safest place all those years was in prayer and worship – This was my sanctuary and still is however, today this heart space has expanded within me – through the unconditional love of other human beings that have graced my life these past few years. Some have been kindred spirits I’ve found in books, some old friends, many new – God heard my longings.
So getting back to your question, what does it mean to me? To me, being understood and accepted it’s translated by feeling and essence. These Lovers of my Soul, hold a sacred space for my questioning and longings. When I am brave enough to bare my nakedness I am comforted with the most warm soft, cuddly blanket imaginable. Other times I may feel afraid, like I am stepping off into a great abyss by vocalizing my innermost thoughts – and then I realize I am floating Grace-Fully as a parachuter floats out of a plane, peacefully, supported. I believe It is necessary to find these people because they reflect God’s tangible love to me on this planet. I can put my weight down and feel safe with these people because they are not threatened or afraid of my questions, doubts, anger, pain – whatever emotion arises, comes and goes. You see, there is nothing to fix. I am ok, just as I am, right then, right now, completely whole.
These kind of Lovers of the Soul are rare birds. They are deep thinkers (like you), ponderers, those willing to ask themselves the brutal truthful questions that they may struggle with and all the while be willing to not have to have answers and Be. One of my favorite scriptures has always been, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God” I do and that kingdom is LOVE.
Thank you for sharing your heart, Jill. I love you, Just.As.You.Are. xo
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Suzanne! Thank you for sharing all of this. It is precious to me and will be to others who read these words. Matthew 6:33 has also been one of my favorite verses, however, I love your distinction of the Kingdom being LOVE!
I love you rare bird!
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