Why go to therapy?
I didn’t believe therapy was a viable way to get help growing up. Especially, secular therapy. There were subtle teachings from the pulpit that leaned on guilting you if you chose to get help from anyone but Jesus or the church. We were encouraged to pray more, worship more, read the Bible more, and meet with our discipler more. As if our discipler and church leaders were the only answer to our mental health.
Indeed they were a direct line to our mental health. As much as they were trying to help us, the system, language, and tactics they used have proven devastating to so many people’s mental health. If you’ve been following me for a few years, I have not been shy about sharing about my own mental health. Or if I didn’t come right out and write it, you can tell I was struggling.
The first time I decided to hire a professional counselor, I was nervous. I had to just go for it and believe that there were answers for me, outside the Bible, prayer, and the fundamental Christian beliefs that I learned growing up. I had to believe that there was TRUTH for me waiting in a different approach. All the years I spent trying to pray my way out of depression, loneliness and confusion had never worked. Maybe because in all those years, I was made to believe that I was unworthy just as I am. I was shown that I wasn’t doing it right. I was being convinced that the answers were outside myself.
I googled “Christian gay counselor” and swiped through websites until I “felt” my way to one. Within a week, I had met my first outside-of-the-church, real therapist. I was nervous and yet, the stories I had to share were at a boiling point. I was not going to tip-toe into this relationship. I needed relief from all that I had been carrying. So, I committed to myself to not hold anything back.
Our weekly calls were only an hour, and afterward, I would either take a nap, journal or head off to run stairs. I took the time to care for myself after these calls because it was important that I really took it all in. I wanted to reflect on our conversation, on what was going on in me, and this honoring of myself took time. She helped me understand more about myself than in all my years in the church. Why? Because I could bare all. I didn’t have to encode my words or avoid topics. She wasn’t asking me to disconnect from what I was thinking and feeling. I was free to speak. I was free to feel. I was free to fully develop my connection to my soul, spirit, and body.
She gave me permission to come back home to myself.
Love reading what you write Jilly. Always so full of heart and truth. And I agree. Therapy is one of the best things I’ve ever done. How healthy it was to reconsider my own past, future, sexuality, m natl health and relationship to spirituality. And to discover there was good in me and to work on dropping all that guilt. Thanks for sharing for all of us learning to love ourselves 🤍
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Zyon,
What a sweet surprise to hear from you my dear! I’m so glad you are alive on your sacred journey. Here’s to the journey of loving ourselves! Love you!
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Thank you so much for this Jill. I relate on many levels. It took me 3/4 of my life thus far to begin navigating into believing I was worthy and valuable exactly as I am. How tragic that as perfect beautiful children this was taken from us. Of course it can happen in the family, in the church, anywhere. But while I don’t regret my past, I had to decide I want nothing to do with church or the God of the Bible. I believe in the Creator but think more and more it is not a separate entity from me. It’s not above and me beneath it. I too struggled with depression and suicidal ideations but age 19. I did everything they wanted and then some. Always trying to prove my worthiness. Busy being a human doing instead of a human being. By 21 my adrenals were crashed and I had severe chronic pain. I wanted to die again. This time not because of the emotional and psychic pain but to escape the physical pain that manifested in my body from carrying so many years of emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse. The abuse was not being allowed to be myself, trying to be something I wasn’t. Not being allowed or feeling free enough to speak. Not having my feelings acknowledged. Just completely shutting down my feelings actually. Every single emotion I couldn’t feel or express got stuck in my body til I wanted to explode, die, self harm. I was in such agony. Then for years my focus was on escaping the physical pain. The ate up my 20’s, 30’s and part of my 40’s. I engaged in very unhealthy relationships. Now I was emotionally abusing myself. I had become my own abuser, replicating what I was taught, what was programmed into me. For a long time I was hesitant about Christianity but afraid to fully let go because, what if I’m wrong? I didn’t know myself or trust myself. I thought I had no answers. But I do! So this is where I start now. I love how you said coming home to yourself. Same here. My heart is where my connection to God is, and it always was. I’ve changed a lot of my thinking and now I no longer mentally or emotionally abuse myself. I refuse to speak or think unloving thoughts to myself. I have compassion for myself and try to treat myself like the precious child I am. I give to myself what I never got and am healing the years of shame. I am discovering who i am and remind myself that I am whole and lovable just for being me. I no longer give others the power to dictate who I am or what to think. 💛
I also replied on IG if you forget who I am! I knew you in “children’s church” 😝 where you were by far the coolest person! 🪶
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Naomi♥️ thank you for sharing all of this! It’s beautiful and I’m so glad you have found your plumb-line.
Children’s church…that brings up a lot of feelings for me. I felt so lost most of the time.
I am happy you found my blog and that you have found peace in yourself and radical love for yourself.
Much love to you❤️
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