Adios You Toxic People

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. – Marcel Proust

The older I get, the more I recognize what a true friend is. For as long as I can remember, I have been aware of the type of friend I want to be, but unfortunately I didn’t always spend my time with people who wanted to be that same kind of friend to me. Over the past 9 years, my friend circle has diminished quite a lot and I am overjoyed about that. Because the ones I choose to spend my time with are the ones that I can be authentic and real with. They are the ones that make life easier. They are the ones with whom I share core values and an unconditional love.

In the past three years, I have journaled many times about my observations of relationships. Below is a list of attributes of a person I think is toxic. If you read further, you will see the characteristics I find in a true friend.

Toxic Attributes in People

  • They don’t ask questions about your life.
  • They can’t muster up joy or happiness for your happiness.
  • They don’t know how to empathize with you when you are sad.
  • All they seem to be able to talk about is themselves.
  • You leave their presence and you feel depleted and down.
  • They withhold affection and kindness if you don’t do what they want you to do.
  • You feel you have to force yourself to connect with them.
  • When they treat you badly, you walk away overanalyzing what you did wrong.
  • They defend themselves always when you are questioning their bad behavior.
  • You have to walk on eggshells around them if they are in a bad mood.
  • You can’t trust them because you don’t know how they will treat you.
  • When you walk away from interactions with them and feel bad more than you feel good and uplifted, they might very well be a toxic person.
  • They control conversations in a group to center around what they know or who they know or what they are doing.
  • They are coldhearted sometimes and there is no apparent reason.
  • They make excuses for their bad behavior rather than be humble and apologize.
  • They always want to be fixing your problems and never talk about their own – they never talk about their own failures and bad behavior.
  • They try to buy your affection and love.
  • Time with them is never enough. They are always wanting more time with you. They don’t respect your time.
  • They don’t initiate with you. You are always the one who initiates a connection with them.
  • You’re only in their good graces when you are in their control.

True Friendship Is

  • They make you feel welcome in their home, even if they aren’t there.
  • Thinks the best of you.
  • Doesn’t hold grudges.
  • A friend is vulnerable and honest.
  • Doesn’t play games with your heart, mind or soul.
  • Accepts you just as you are on your journey.
  • Laughs and cries with you.
  • Gives without thought of what they get in return.
  • Quick to listen. Slow to speak.
  • Validates you and your processes. Doesn’t try to “fix” you. Doesn’t tell you what you should do. Helps you explore your own path.
  • Shares in your joys and your sorrows.
  • Honest and forgiving.
  • Is there when you need them – a choice and an action
  • They want to hear the deep things of your heart.
  • Time can pass and they are excited to see you and genuinely want to know how you are.
  • They are curious about your life.

So, I guess you could say this is my Farewell Letter to those people in my life that are toxic, shitty friends. I no longer want to waste my time working so hard for something that doesn’t feel good. You take more than you give and I am done with you. I hope the best for you, but I will no longer allow myself to spend my energy on your foolish, self-centered behavior. If you should ever find the LIGHT and LOVE of being a true friend, my heart is always open to you.

If you are thinking that you may have a toxic friend, family member, co-worker or partner in your life, here are a few links that may bring more clarity to the subject. What I have written in this post are my thoughts and conclusions. I read these resources after I wrote this post.

https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people/

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/245/allure-of-the-mean-friend

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201608/8-things-the-most-toxic-people-in-your-life-have-in-common

 

Photo Credit by Adam Birkett on Unsplash

 

 

 

 

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