Adios You Toxic People
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. – Marcel Proust
The older I get, the more I recognize what a true friend is. For as long as I can remember, I have been aware of the type of friend I want to be, but unfortunately I didn’t always spend my time with people who wanted to be that same kind of friend to me. Over the past 9 years, my friend circle has diminished quite a lot and I am overjoyed about that. Because the ones I choose to spend my time with are the ones that I can be authentic and real with. They are the ones that make life easier. They are the ones with whom I share core values and an unconditional love.
In the past three years, I have journaled many times about my observations of relationships. Below is a list of attributes of a person I think is toxic. If you read further, you will see the characteristics I find in a true friend.
Toxic Attributes in People
- They don’t ask questions about your life.
- They can’t muster up joy or happiness for your happiness.
- They don’t know how to empathize with you when you are sad.
- All they seem to be able to talk about is themselves.
- You leave their presence and you feel depleted and down.
- They withhold affection and kindness if you don’t do what they want you to do.
- You feel you have to force yourself to connect with them.
- When they treat you badly, you walk away overanalyzing what you did wrong.
- They defend themselves always when you are questioning their bad behavior.
- You have to walk on eggshells around them if they are in a bad mood.
- You can’t trust them because you don’t know how they will treat you.
- When you walk away from interactions with them and feel bad more than you feel good and uplifted, they might very well be a toxic person.
- They control conversations in a group to center around what they know or who they know or what they are doing.
- They are coldhearted sometimes and there is no apparent reason.
- They make excuses for their bad behavior rather than be humble and apologize.
- They always want to be fixing your problems and never talk about their own – they never talk about their own failures and bad behavior.
- They try to buy your affection and love.
- Time with them is never enough. They are always wanting more time with you. They don’t respect your time.
- They don’t initiate with you. You are always the one who initiates a connection with them.
- You’re only in their good graces when you are in their control.
True Friendship Is
- They make you feel welcome in their home, even if they aren’t there.
- Thinks the best of you.
- Doesn’t hold grudges.
- A friend is vulnerable and honest.
- Doesn’t play games with your heart, mind or soul.
- Accepts you just as you are on your journey.
- Laughs and cries with you.
- Gives without thought of what they get in return.
- Quick to listen. Slow to speak.
- Validates you and your processes. Doesn’t try to “fix” you. Doesn’t tell you what you should do. Helps you explore your own path.
- Shares in your joys and your sorrows.
- Honest and forgiving.
- Is there when you need them – a choice and an action
- They want to hear the deep things of your heart.
- Time can pass and they are excited to see you and genuinely want to know how you are.
- They are curious about your life.
So, I guess you could say this is my Farewell Letter to those people in my life that are toxic, shitty friends. I no longer want to waste my time working so hard for something that doesn’t feel good. You take more than you give and I am done with you. I hope the best for you, but I will no longer allow myself to spend my energy on your foolish, self-centered behavior. If you should ever find the LIGHT and LOVE of being a true friend, my heart is always open to you.
If you are thinking that you may have a toxic friend, family member, co-worker or partner in your life, here are a few links that may bring more clarity to the subject. What I have written in this post are my thoughts and conclusions. I read these resources after I wrote this post.
https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people/
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/245/allure-of-the-mean-friend
Photo Credit by Adam Birkett on Unsplash
