FOR FUCK’S SAKE – I just want to love MYSELF

Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection. ~ Bréne Brown

I’m only interested in connecting on a REAL, HUMAN level, so read on if you ARE HUMAN.

It is so tiring, looking like I am in control. That I am the strong one. That is probably why I keep sabotaging myself. Maybe all of my efforts to remain in control, at least to others, is the very mask that keeps the UNTAMED JILL from living her daily (MOMENT-BY-MOMENT) best life. Her true Essence.

My coming home to myself is in every choice I make.

When I follow my mind, I see HOME in my rear-view mirror.

When I follow my heart, the fire inside me burns and wraps around me like a cozy blanket. Surrounding me, reminding me that I AM ENOUGH. MY SELF. MY BODY. MY ESSENCE IS ALL I EVER NEED. I AM HOME.

But the crazy part is that when I follow my heart, I sacrifice the comfort of what is.

Relationships. Routines. Mindsets. Beliefs. THE MATRIX.

Why is it so difficult to love myself more than others? It seems like the more conscious I am of loving myself- the hard it is to (F*******) do it!

What is broken in me?! I have been raised and trained to do what my mind tells me for so long – PERFORMANCE has been my blood flow my entire life!

FOR FUCK’s SAKE!

Performance only feeds my thoughts and it completely ignores the very essence of who I AM.

Why is it so hard to put into action what I encourage others to do?

LOVE YOURSELF. JUST BE YOURSELF.

Well, God-Damn.  I don’t fully even know how to be myself. I know I am learning this but when will it be second-nature. When will it be Jill’s default?

When getting ready in the morning. WHO AM I? What do I want to wear?

When someone says something stupid? WHO AM I? What do I really want to say?

When I am having a physical reaction to food? WHO AM I? What does my body need?

These are the deep, REAL aspects of being human that are facing me.

How about you? Wanna get real and talk about it?

For FUCK’s SAKE, let’s get real humans. What are we waiting for?

P.S. For you who don’t like the word FUCK, I am sorry, but this word somehow has been like a punching bag for me in the past 10 years.  Don’t worry, you aren’t going to hell(O) for reading or saying it. Pretend like it is a punching bag for words. When you punch something, you aren’t going to hell for it. PUNCH AWAY, for as long as you need to.

Photo by Max Bender on Unsplash